The Struggle continues...

Blog...a thing that can hold words. Much like my mind and my heart. Except the mind and heart hold on to much more than that. Both hold the words we say and the words we hear, even the words we read. They also hold the actions. Actions of our own and the actions of others. It would seem too that our minds remember the actions while the heart remembers the words.
Words are often softly spoken promises or maybe loudly proclaimed declarations. Sometimes they are whispers of sadness or rants of hurt. Either way, our heart will remember those much more then actions it seems. We hold on to the words we have said or the ones we hear and our heart covets them and lets them bring us hope or helps us remember how we felt. That is how our heart can be deceiving. Our minds, however remember the actions we play out, the actions we see from others. Together, they mold us into the people we are. They steer down the paths we must choose to go down. Some of us follow our heart, while some of us follow our mind.
I'm not sure what to follow. My heart always seems to make the wrong decisions. My mind is calculating, but that has left me lonely.
Words I've said have not proven to be acceptable by the people I want to accept them. But then the words I've left unspoken for so long seem like they could be life-changing...that is, until I've said them, then I'm back to the previous dilemma.
That is why so often I choose others actions or reactions to guide my actions. Because too many times people don't mean what they say, hell, sometimes I don't mean what I say. But our choices and actions speak volumes, don't they.

Blogs...who reads these things anyway? Probably not the people we really wished would, right?

More on TheStruggle....

I want to admit that I'm struggling with losing weight. I started a different blog to help me journal my trials and triumphs even if no one else read it. That didn't work.

Before that I had tried Atkins, South Beach, pills, drinks, supplements, vitamins, Curves, this gym, that gym, and recently even selling the juice I was drinkin'...but nothing has worked for me. I just can't seem to do it.

I thought about surgery, but I don't have insurance or the extra money for it. I thought if I could just do that, it would get me to a point where the stuff I've been doing will get me the rest of the way. This discourages me since there is no way I can do it. So I just quit all together.

Don't get me wrong, I pick myself up, dust off, and get back on the proverbial horse that is my weight loss goal. I walk on my treadmill for two hours a night while I catch up on my shows or read a book. I eat better than I did the day before (most days). I've tried numerous cardio videos, groups, and private sessions...still nothing.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...I miss my workout buddy. This girl was a great motivator and supporter. I miss the camaraderie we had about working out. If I was down she'd pick me up and vice-versa. The days I was ready to run the track would be the days she wanted a package of ramen noodles and a coke. We balanced each other out for the most part and I miss that. I miss having encouragement that is genuine. I wish I could be my own cheerleader, but I just can't.

I know I can do anything I put my mind to, but right now I feel like such a failure. I've been trying for 5 years to lose weight and every year I feel like I gain more. I'm not giving up on myself yet, I will take this blog, read it over and over again to know that I need to learn to be my own cheerleader some days. I will get back on the treadmill, I will eat my chicken and veggies for lunch this week instead of going out with co-workers to get fast food. I will continue to do the best I can muster each day.

Delete

So I typed four pages in Word before I hit the delete button. I began with scripture about how I dream big because I know God will get me there, then I followed with some rantings about needing to know I'm not the only one with real-life problems. I then went to how much I wish I could change my life right now.. Then I stopped and cried, sobered up and hit the delete button.

DEL, three letters meaning DELETE. I want to DELETE my bad choices over the last 6 years. I want to DELETE that gi-normous double cheeseburger I soaked my unhappiness into 5 and half years ago that ultimately led to more cheeseburgers. I want to DELETE so many bad choices. But I can't. It's so frustrating.

Right now folks, we have definitely reached this "Disenchanted" part of the Fairytale. I've become increasing aware that "Life is short" is not just a phrase, but a very real thing. It freaks me out!

I want to retire in 16 years. 16 YEARS! I've had twice that long to get where I am and I can't imagine how I'm going to get there!

I dreamed about celebrating my 20th or even 50th wedding anniversary one day with the love of my life. I can't get it right with the one I'm with now, so I don't think either of those anniversaries are in my future.

I'm still trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up, only it sucks because I'm already grown up. If I "grow up" anymore I'm going to have to retire..again 16 YEARS! Geesh!

I'm sad really. I know there is so much out in the world for me to take ahold of and seize the day, but I feel like my feet are slowing drying in cement with every passing day. Something about me that I've learned is that I need fellowship, in all sense of the word. I need camaraderie, understanding, encouragement, and motivation. I have none of these things right now. I want to love myself and my life again. I want to love coming home again. I want to love waking up in the morning to do what ever it is God has called me to do. I feel like these wants are so close within my reach, yet so far away because I'm the only one in all my relationships trying to reach them.

And as my little sister would say #TheStruggleIsReal

Pushing to do things we never would have done

When things happen to us, they can change us, educate us, or help us see things more clearly than before. Some things are bad, some are good, and some just are. Some things push us to do things we never would have done otherwise, they help motivate us, whether for good or bad reasons.

I'm feeling like some of things are happening to me as I write this. Like the life I know is about to change. I'm not sure yet if it is for the good of things or if it will be another trial to push through, but I can definetly feel the changes happening. I hope that the things I'm feeling will motivate me, educate me, help me see more clearly and change my life for the better. I've lacked motivation for so long, despised the things around me, and longed for change and resolution. I know I'm done feeling like I'll never get what I want, it's time for me to get my way for once. I'm done giving in and letting others feel the warm sunshine of happiness and contentment at my expense. I will take each day as it comes and not push my way through, but take my time and carefully make my decisions so that when it's all said and done, I'll know I did what was best for me and mine and no one else.

When I say I'm done, I really mean I'm done. Done making concessions for others, done feeling like I'm to blame for others behaviours and actions. Done being content to have less than I desire for the sake of others happiness. I was born to be better than I am, always. I'm done letting others tell me I'm not, I shouldn't, I can't, or I won't. Today I'm done. Done with the naysayers.

Just Admit It!!

OMG! I don't say this often, but it is warranted today!

I don't know about you but I've about had my fill of argumentative people this past month. You know at least one or two. You know that person that always start a conversation with "No,...." IE: "No, I know that the constellations don't line up in the way this time of year because...blah, blah, blah.", or "No, I gave it to you to finish." or "No, You were supposed to do so and so, not me." GRRRR

Just take some dang responsibility for yourself and your mistakes. Why is that so hard for people to do! It won't kill you, you won't be less of a person,and no one is going to think less of you...err...well, stratch that last one. It just baffles me how some people can honestly go through life and not even realize they are one of these people. Every time something happens, if it's negative, they immediately deny responsibility before they even really know why it may have happened, or what it could even be. But yet, when something positive happens, they are all over it, like white on rice, taking credit for it.

Sad, sad people will probably never even realize how much or how many people despise them at the end of every day because of how they are. Sadder thing is, they probably don't even care, because why should they? They didn't even do anything wrong.

Day by Day

My little changes are still going well. I've fallen off the wagon a few times, but I just dust off and try again. So far the changes I've made are: getting up an hour earlier to exercise before work, trying not to raise my voice at the boys when I'm frustrated, not drinking sodas--I still have my "morning coffee" of caffeine, but I drink it in Tea instead; started actually getting ready in the morning i.e. fixing my hair and putting on makeup, usually I just throw my hair in a ponytail and run out the door.

These changes are helping me become less stressed, trying to calm down a bit and not be so tightly wound about everything. I'm still trying to find a way to better schedule my days. I'm in a little deep with college classes, work, volunteering, and the boys sports. Thank goodness we've got a break from sports until December when Basketball starts up, then it will be a whirlwind of activities until the Summertime. I'm getting my oldest involved in the volunteer work so he can see what it's like to help someone else & we can spend some time together.

I've been learning how to verbal my feelings more & not be scared of how others will react. Those of you that actually know me, may find that surprising, but I've always been afraid of ruining relationships by sharing my feelings, so I usually keep them to myself. I'm trying to be more honest with the people close to me so that I might have deeper more meaningful relationships instead of the flighty, superficial ones I've had in the past.

So this all really is day by day.

Knowing what you have & what you don't

The changes I've made recently are going well. I've been able to stick with them. The bf hasn't noticed these changes yet, & I don't suppose he will either. I've been taking my vitamins, going for walks in the morning, sticking to my schedule from morning till night, for Three Whole Days! Woot woot!

Today I'm contemplating, what I have & what I don't. This isn't a” keeping up with the Joneses” type issue, more of a realization.

What I have: a place to stay, a car, a job, money in the bank
What I don't: a home for my heart, a career I love, contentment

What I have: two boys that bring laughter & joy into my world
What I don't: the peace of mind that I can give them what they need if I change my surroundings

What I have: The Will to do & be Anything
What I don't: The courage to do it

What I have: The opportunity to take a leap
What I don't: The ability to see the future & know it's the right thing to do.

Some old feelings have crept into my heart lately, some good & some bad. I've been contemplating ” what-if's” about things that may not even be an option. Helping a friend through an uncertain time has made me more aware of my own uncertain times.

My next steps are going to be to focus on what I have & what I want. I'm thinking those may be very different from those around me.