Delete

So I typed four pages in Word before I hit the delete button. I began with scripture about how I dream big because I know God will get me there, then I followed with some rantings about needing to know I'm not the only one with real-life problems. I then went to how much I wish I could change my life right now.. Then I stopped and cried, sobered up and hit the delete button.

DEL, three letters meaning DELETE. I want to DELETE my bad choices over the last 6 years. I want to DELETE that gi-normous double cheeseburger I soaked my unhappiness into 5 and half years ago that ultimately led to more cheeseburgers. I want to DELETE so many bad choices. But I can't. It's so frustrating.

Right now folks, we have definitely reached this "Disenchanted" part of the Fairytale. I've become increasing aware that "Life is short" is not just a phrase, but a very real thing. It freaks me out!

I want to retire in 16 years. 16 YEARS! I've had twice that long to get where I am and I can't imagine how I'm going to get there!

I dreamed about celebrating my 20th or even 50th wedding anniversary one day with the love of my life. I can't get it right with the one I'm with now, so I don't think either of those anniversaries are in my future.

I'm still trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up, only it sucks because I'm already grown up. If I "grow up" anymore I'm going to have to retire..again 16 YEARS! Geesh!

I'm sad really. I know there is so much out in the world for me to take ahold of and seize the day, but I feel like my feet are slowing drying in cement with every passing day. Something about me that I've learned is that I need fellowship, in all sense of the word. I need camaraderie, understanding, encouragement, and motivation. I have none of these things right now. I want to love myself and my life again. I want to love coming home again. I want to love waking up in the morning to do what ever it is God has called me to do. I feel like these wants are so close within my reach, yet so far away because I'm the only one in all my relationships trying to reach them.

And as my little sister would say #TheStruggleIsReal