I want to admit that I'm struggling with losing weight. I started a different blog to help me journal my trials and triumphs even if no one else read it. That didn't work.
Before that I had tried Atkins, South Beach, pills, drinks, supplements, vitamins, Curves, this gym, that gym, and recently even selling the juice I was drinkin'...but nothing has worked for me. I just can't seem to do it.
I thought about surgery, but I don't have insurance or the extra money for it. I thought if I could just do that, it would get me to a point where the stuff I've been doing will get me the rest of the way. This discourages me since there is no way I can do it. So I just quit all together.
Don't get me wrong, I pick myself up, dust off, and get back on the proverbial horse that is my weight loss goal. I walk on my treadmill for two hours a night while I catch up on my shows or read a book. I eat better than I did the day before (most days). I've tried numerous cardio videos, groups, and private sessions...still nothing.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again...I miss my workout buddy. This girl was a great motivator and supporter. I miss the camaraderie we had about working out. If I was down she'd pick me up and vice-versa. The days I was ready to run the track would be the days she wanted a package of ramen noodles and a coke. We balanced each other out for the most part and I miss that. I miss having encouragement that is genuine. I wish I could be my own cheerleader, but I just can't.
I know I can do anything I put my mind to, but right now I feel like such a failure. I've been trying for 5 years to lose weight and every year I feel like I gain more. I'm not giving up on myself yet, I will take this blog, read it over and over again to know that I need to learn to be my own cheerleader some days. I will get back on the treadmill, I will eat my chicken and veggies for lunch this week instead of going out with co-workers to get fast food. I will continue to do the best I can muster each day.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Delete
So I typed four pages in Word before I hit the delete button. I began with scripture about how I dream big because I know God will get me there, then I followed with some rantings about needing to know I'm not the only one with real-life problems. I then went to how much I wish I could change my life right now.. Then I stopped and cried, sobered up and hit the delete button.
DEL, three letters meaning DELETE. I want to DELETE my bad choices over the last 6 years. I want to DELETE that gi-normous double cheeseburger I soaked my unhappiness into 5 and half years ago that ultimately led to more cheeseburgers. I want to DELETE so many bad choices. But I can't. It's so frustrating.
Right now folks, we have definitely reached this "Disenchanted" part of the Fairytale. I've become increasing aware that "Life is short" is not just a phrase, but a very real thing. It freaks me out!
I want to retire in 16 years. 16 YEARS! I've had twice that long to get where I am and I can't imagine how I'm going to get there!
I dreamed about celebrating my 20th or even 50th wedding anniversary one day with the love of my life. I can't get it right with the one I'm with now, so I don't think either of those anniversaries are in my future.
I'm still trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up, only it sucks because I'm already grown up. If I "grow up" anymore I'm going to have to retire..again 16 YEARS! Geesh!
I'm sad really. I know there is so much out in the world for me to take ahold of and seize the day, but I feel like my feet are slowing drying in cement with every passing day. Something about me that I've learned is that I need fellowship, in all sense of the word. I need camaraderie, understanding, encouragement, and motivation. I have none of these things right now. I want to love myself and my life again. I want to love coming home again. I want to love waking up in the morning to do what ever it is God has called me to do. I feel like these wants are so close within my reach, yet so far away because I'm the only one in all my relationships trying to reach them.
And as my little sister would say #TheStruggleIsReal
DEL, three letters meaning DELETE. I want to DELETE my bad choices over the last 6 years. I want to DELETE that gi-normous double cheeseburger I soaked my unhappiness into 5 and half years ago that ultimately led to more cheeseburgers. I want to DELETE so many bad choices. But I can't. It's so frustrating.
Right now folks, we have definitely reached this "Disenchanted" part of the Fairytale. I've become increasing aware that "Life is short" is not just a phrase, but a very real thing. It freaks me out!
I want to retire in 16 years. 16 YEARS! I've had twice that long to get where I am and I can't imagine how I'm going to get there!
I dreamed about celebrating my 20th or even 50th wedding anniversary one day with the love of my life. I can't get it right with the one I'm with now, so I don't think either of those anniversaries are in my future.
I'm still trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up, only it sucks because I'm already grown up. If I "grow up" anymore I'm going to have to retire..again 16 YEARS! Geesh!
I'm sad really. I know there is so much out in the world for me to take ahold of and seize the day, but I feel like my feet are slowing drying in cement with every passing day. Something about me that I've learned is that I need fellowship, in all sense of the word. I need camaraderie, understanding, encouragement, and motivation. I have none of these things right now. I want to love myself and my life again. I want to love coming home again. I want to love waking up in the morning to do what ever it is God has called me to do. I feel like these wants are so close within my reach, yet so far away because I'm the only one in all my relationships trying to reach them.
And as my little sister would say #TheStruggleIsReal
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