Day by Day

My little changes are still going well. I've fallen off the wagon a few times, but I just dust off and try again. So far the changes I've made are: getting up an hour earlier to exercise before work, trying not to raise my voice at the boys when I'm frustrated, not drinking sodas--I still have my "morning coffee" of caffeine, but I drink it in Tea instead; started actually getting ready in the morning i.e. fixing my hair and putting on makeup, usually I just throw my hair in a ponytail and run out the door.

These changes are helping me become less stressed, trying to calm down a bit and not be so tightly wound about everything. I'm still trying to find a way to better schedule my days. I'm in a little deep with college classes, work, volunteering, and the boys sports. Thank goodness we've got a break from sports until December when Basketball starts up, then it will be a whirlwind of activities until the Summertime. I'm getting my oldest involved in the volunteer work so he can see what it's like to help someone else & we can spend some time together.

I've been learning how to verbal my feelings more & not be scared of how others will react. Those of you that actually know me, may find that surprising, but I've always been afraid of ruining relationships by sharing my feelings, so I usually keep them to myself. I'm trying to be more honest with the people close to me so that I might have deeper more meaningful relationships instead of the flighty, superficial ones I've had in the past.

So this all really is day by day.

Knowing what you have & what you don't

The changes I've made recently are going well. I've been able to stick with them. The bf hasn't noticed these changes yet, & I don't suppose he will either. I've been taking my vitamins, going for walks in the morning, sticking to my schedule from morning till night, for Three Whole Days! Woot woot!

Today I'm contemplating, what I have & what I don't. This isn't a” keeping up with the Joneses” type issue, more of a realization.

What I have: a place to stay, a car, a job, money in the bank
What I don't: a home for my heart, a career I love, contentment

What I have: two boys that bring laughter & joy into my world
What I don't: the peace of mind that I can give them what they need if I change my surroundings

What I have: The Will to do & be Anything
What I don't: The courage to do it

What I have: The opportunity to take a leap
What I don't: The ability to see the future & know it's the right thing to do.

Some old feelings have crept into my heart lately, some good & some bad. I've been contemplating ” what-if's” about things that may not even be an option. Helping a friend through an uncertain time has made me more aware of my own uncertain times.

My next steps are going to be to focus on what I have & what I want. I'm thinking those may be very different from those around me.

Making Changes...Really

My life has been on the verge on something lately. Not sure exactly what, but there is this lingering in the air, like a storm cloud is going to burst and pour rain all over me. But, there has also been a good lingering, something magical waiting to present itself. These two things have been wrestling me day to day for months now and I'm not quite sure what it is.

I've been making small changes, here and there. Sticking to something for a week or so and then falling back into my old ways. Then I noticed that maybe it has to do with the fact that nothing else around me is changing. Or no one else was changing with me either. Then, I realized that no one and nothing around me is going to change until I REALLY change.

The kind of change that happens when you have no other real options. I've been through this kind of change once before, and that wasn't too long ago either. I by no means want to go back to the place I had to reach before making changes back then, but I definitely need a motivator to make the changes I want to make really stick this time around.

I want a good solid relationship with a man I can love, that will love me back, unconditionally, even with the stuff that drives him crazy. I want time in my daily life to spend with my kids and with myself. I want a home to call my own, where it shows my personality and invites me in. I want to be as beautiful on the outside as I feel on the inside on my best days. I want to know for sure that what ever I'm doing to fill my days, is something I'm proud of, if it happens to be my last.

I struggle with these things every day. Not just when I don't feel good or things aren't going my way. There's a yearning inside me to break free, to run away and start again. I know this feeling because it is second nature to me, I'm good at that. But this time I want to keep my feet planted and make these changes I feel need to be made. I want to become the person I know I need to be without running away. That's the part I'm struggling with. How do you change, when nothing around you changes? How does the flower bloom while the trees die? I've never been able to do this and I want to now. I know if I can change the things I'm striving for, then maybe, just maybe, the changes that I want to change around me will follow.

Speaking of Pass or Fail

Well, I'm officially a College Graduate! I didn't think I was really going to pull of this last semester. I've been working 40 hours in the office, taking 12 hours online and 4 hours hybrid(on campus and online). I thought I would die before I finished these classes. I had two math classes, Business English, and World Religions. The latter were the easier ones, but the math kicked my butt.

I scrapped by in both math classes and now I can breathe. I did actually fail my final in one class, but had a high enough overall average to carry me through.

Now don't get too excited for me though, it's only an Associates degree! And it's only taken me a complied 13 years to do it! That fact, in itself, makes me laugh! It took me 13 YEARS to complete a 2-year degree! I am so sick of school!

So now, it's over. No more homework every night of the week while refereeing two boys, no more Midnight laundry sessions after taking an exam online for an hour. I'm not going to know what to do with myself!

oh, oh, I know...NOTHING, that's what I'm going to do! A lot of that, and sleeping! LMAO!

Failing as a Mom...

There are times when I feel I've failed as a Mom. Today is one of those times.

My youngest CR will not be going on to the 1st grade next year. :(

During our parent-teacher conference I heard the teacher say things like, "maturity level", "discipline", and "structure". All things I believe my son possess. So I felt like I haven't done my job. I didn't spend enough time on his homework, or enough time reading to him. I didn't explain to him enough about how to sit and concentrate on his schoolwork.

So I sulked all the way home and then had to find a way to break it to him. As I told him that he wasn't going to the 1st grade, I saw the hurt, fear, and confusion set in on him. Poor little man. He began to cry and say he would do more homework, but he "didn't want to".

We all talked as a family, and made the decision to work with him more diligently over the next few months, so that maybe he could be ready to re-test for 1st by the time fall comes around. We are instituting an hour of homework time from now until September everyday day. We, all 4 of us, will work with him to help him find the best way for him to learn.

I know that this is his battle, but I still can't help but feel like I didn't do my job as a Mom.

When ghosts appear...or message you at least!

So, today I was visited by a ghost from the past. This is one of those people that I thought could change everything for me. Someone that, if I had that second chance, I would be with in a second; never looking back. This persons name would make my heart skip. He could melt the ice in my soul and break down walls no one had been able to break since himself.

Then, today, after years of wanting to see his face, his name, anything; after giving up and moving on, I get a facebook message. My heart leaped right out of my chest, and then it sank. Did I really want to talk to him? There's a delicate balance between wondering what could have been and what will never be....sometimes it is better to wonder.

But I can't just wonder. So I email him back and we chat for a while. I tell him of this life I have now.

I tell him how wonderful things are, the man I'm with, the kids I have, things you tell someone you haven't seen in a long time. Between the emails, I'm evaluating what I have...what I really have at home. This is the man I would give up this life for...once upon a time. I continued on in emails about my great relationship, the house, my boys, the job. Then, I felt empty inside.

I'd waited for so long for him to come back into my life, dreamed up how it would be. I lost that hope with every email. I realized I wouldn't give up my life for him here. Not that he even came close to asking, nothing of the sort. But in my fairytale he had so this was me thinking of it. I began to remember those nights he had made me cry, feeling lonely while he went out with other girls. I realized that those things don't change much in a person. I realized I had made what we had or could have so much grander in my memories.

I went on with my day not telling a soul, until now. I was proud of myself for realizing all of this. For telling him how wonderful my life was now.

Then I came home. I realized then that I wasn't as adored as I portrayed myself to be. I wanted to say what had happened today, but didn't. I realized that I'm making what I have here into more than what it really is too.

Alas, it was good to feel wanted today, to feel as if anything was possible. There are only two people in my life that I "what-ifs" about, now there is only one. The other, well, that's not really a what-if anymore, more of a "nevermind". Some things are better left as they are.

Wondering...

I'm not feeling the spark of life at all today! I've been wondering lately what this is all for. I know for me it's for my boys to grow up knowing they can do any thing they want, they can achieve any thing they want.

I'm tired of school, having homework, being stressed. But I'm also not a quitter, so I'm dragging through this mess until May and then I'll graduate. I had another court date for my boys custody case. These court dates wear me out. They drain me emotionally and then physically. I'm running around getting paperwork together, wondering if I'm dressed right, etc. Then I have to go alone...which sucks not to have any support. I quit telling anyone I'm going, because really who cares besides me...no one, not even the father that supposed to show up and never does. Last few times I mentioned it, no one ever asked what was going on with it, so I quit saying anything.

I tried to set up plans with a few girlfriends this past weekend and that fell through. I even tried to set up a date with my own live-in boyfriend last night and even he bailed on me! I really don't like that no one will operate on my schedule. It seems to be inconvenient for them, and so I must wait on them to be ready.

I miss having spontaneous friends/people in my life. That will come over and hang out, just to hang out. Where even a place that I can go hang out. With Twitter and Facebook now, it seems that no one is really "available" anymore. You just post something on Facebook and then see if anyone has anything to say about it. I miss long conversations and laughs about things past.

My most recent debate with the BF was about merging our lives in a more "financial and official" way. Yes, Marriage, but more than that really...finally becoming harmonious in all facets of our lives. The answer was No. Apparently, I'm a credit risk, can find my own health insurance, and not the "marrying" kind as of yet. I say the latter with a mound of sarcasm! I don't think the BF even reads my FaceBook posts, Tweets, or my Blogs! I seriously doubt he knows I've wanted to get married my entire life and have been looking for mister right since Highschool! And yes, I've told him that, but do men really obsorb anything a woman says? That is, unless it pertains to boobs, other women, sports, or alcohol.

So, to say the least of all of this, is to say that I miss my real girlfriends that didn't care if I was too busy to call them, so they would call me. I miss packing up for the weekend and driving somewhere I'd never been. I miss having a man that tells me he loves me. I miss having a life.

Right now it's all mundane, and systematic. Wake up, go to work, cook, clean, run errands, sleep, and do it all over again. BLAH!