Making Changes...Really

My life has been on the verge on something lately. Not sure exactly what, but there is this lingering in the air, like a storm cloud is going to burst and pour rain all over me. But, there has also been a good lingering, something magical waiting to present itself. These two things have been wrestling me day to day for months now and I'm not quite sure what it is.

I've been making small changes, here and there. Sticking to something for a week or so and then falling back into my old ways. Then I noticed that maybe it has to do with the fact that nothing else around me is changing. Or no one else was changing with me either. Then, I realized that no one and nothing around me is going to change until I REALLY change.

The kind of change that happens when you have no other real options. I've been through this kind of change once before, and that wasn't too long ago either. I by no means want to go back to the place I had to reach before making changes back then, but I definitely need a motivator to make the changes I want to make really stick this time around.

I want a good solid relationship with a man I can love, that will love me back, unconditionally, even with the stuff that drives him crazy. I want time in my daily life to spend with my kids and with myself. I want a home to call my own, where it shows my personality and invites me in. I want to be as beautiful on the outside as I feel on the inside on my best days. I want to know for sure that what ever I'm doing to fill my days, is something I'm proud of, if it happens to be my last.

I struggle with these things every day. Not just when I don't feel good or things aren't going my way. There's a yearning inside me to break free, to run away and start again. I know this feeling because it is second nature to me, I'm good at that. But this time I want to keep my feet planted and make these changes I feel need to be made. I want to become the person I know I need to be without running away. That's the part I'm struggling with. How do you change, when nothing around you changes? How does the flower bloom while the trees die? I've never been able to do this and I want to now. I know if I can change the things I'm striving for, then maybe, just maybe, the changes that I want to change around me will follow.