Wondering...

I'm not feeling the spark of life at all today! I've been wondering lately what this is all for. I know for me it's for my boys to grow up knowing they can do any thing they want, they can achieve any thing they want.

I'm tired of school, having homework, being stressed. But I'm also not a quitter, so I'm dragging through this mess until May and then I'll graduate. I had another court date for my boys custody case. These court dates wear me out. They drain me emotionally and then physically. I'm running around getting paperwork together, wondering if I'm dressed right, etc. Then I have to go alone...which sucks not to have any support. I quit telling anyone I'm going, because really who cares besides me...no one, not even the father that supposed to show up and never does. Last few times I mentioned it, no one ever asked what was going on with it, so I quit saying anything.

I tried to set up plans with a few girlfriends this past weekend and that fell through. I even tried to set up a date with my own live-in boyfriend last night and even he bailed on me! I really don't like that no one will operate on my schedule. It seems to be inconvenient for them, and so I must wait on them to be ready.

I miss having spontaneous friends/people in my life. That will come over and hang out, just to hang out. Where even a place that I can go hang out. With Twitter and Facebook now, it seems that no one is really "available" anymore. You just post something on Facebook and then see if anyone has anything to say about it. I miss long conversations and laughs about things past.

My most recent debate with the BF was about merging our lives in a more "financial and official" way. Yes, Marriage, but more than that really...finally becoming harmonious in all facets of our lives. The answer was No. Apparently, I'm a credit risk, can find my own health insurance, and not the "marrying" kind as of yet. I say the latter with a mound of sarcasm! I don't think the BF even reads my FaceBook posts, Tweets, or my Blogs! I seriously doubt he knows I've wanted to get married my entire life and have been looking for mister right since Highschool! And yes, I've told him that, but do men really obsorb anything a woman says? That is, unless it pertains to boobs, other women, sports, or alcohol.

So, to say the least of all of this, is to say that I miss my real girlfriends that didn't care if I was too busy to call them, so they would call me. I miss packing up for the weekend and driving somewhere I'd never been. I miss having a man that tells me he loves me. I miss having a life.

Right now it's all mundane, and systematic. Wake up, go to work, cook, clean, run errands, sleep, and do it all over again. BLAH!