Day by Day

My little changes are still going well. I've fallen off the wagon a few times, but I just dust off and try again. So far the changes I've made are: getting up an hour earlier to exercise before work, trying not to raise my voice at the boys when I'm frustrated, not drinking sodas--I still have my "morning coffee" of caffeine, but I drink it in Tea instead; started actually getting ready in the morning i.e. fixing my hair and putting on makeup, usually I just throw my hair in a ponytail and run out the door.

These changes are helping me become less stressed, trying to calm down a bit and not be so tightly wound about everything. I'm still trying to find a way to better schedule my days. I'm in a little deep with college classes, work, volunteering, and the boys sports. Thank goodness we've got a break from sports until December when Basketball starts up, then it will be a whirlwind of activities until the Summertime. I'm getting my oldest involved in the volunteer work so he can see what it's like to help someone else & we can spend some time together.

I've been learning how to verbal my feelings more & not be scared of how others will react. Those of you that actually know me, may find that surprising, but I've always been afraid of ruining relationships by sharing my feelings, so I usually keep them to myself. I'm trying to be more honest with the people close to me so that I might have deeper more meaningful relationships instead of the flighty, superficial ones I've had in the past.

So this all really is day by day.

Knowing what you have & what you don't

The changes I've made recently are going well. I've been able to stick with them. The bf hasn't noticed these changes yet, & I don't suppose he will either. I've been taking my vitamins, going for walks in the morning, sticking to my schedule from morning till night, for Three Whole Days! Woot woot!

Today I'm contemplating, what I have & what I don't. This isn't a” keeping up with the Joneses” type issue, more of a realization.

What I have: a place to stay, a car, a job, money in the bank
What I don't: a home for my heart, a career I love, contentment

What I have: two boys that bring laughter & joy into my world
What I don't: the peace of mind that I can give them what they need if I change my surroundings

What I have: The Will to do & be Anything
What I don't: The courage to do it

What I have: The opportunity to take a leap
What I don't: The ability to see the future & know it's the right thing to do.

Some old feelings have crept into my heart lately, some good & some bad. I've been contemplating ” what-if's” about things that may not even be an option. Helping a friend through an uncertain time has made me more aware of my own uncertain times.

My next steps are going to be to focus on what I have & what I want. I'm thinking those may be very different from those around me.

Making Changes...Really

My life has been on the verge on something lately. Not sure exactly what, but there is this lingering in the air, like a storm cloud is going to burst and pour rain all over me. But, there has also been a good lingering, something magical waiting to present itself. These two things have been wrestling me day to day for months now and I'm not quite sure what it is.

I've been making small changes, here and there. Sticking to something for a week or so and then falling back into my old ways. Then I noticed that maybe it has to do with the fact that nothing else around me is changing. Or no one else was changing with me either. Then, I realized that no one and nothing around me is going to change until I REALLY change.

The kind of change that happens when you have no other real options. I've been through this kind of change once before, and that wasn't too long ago either. I by no means want to go back to the place I had to reach before making changes back then, but I definitely need a motivator to make the changes I want to make really stick this time around.

I want a good solid relationship with a man I can love, that will love me back, unconditionally, even with the stuff that drives him crazy. I want time in my daily life to spend with my kids and with myself. I want a home to call my own, where it shows my personality and invites me in. I want to be as beautiful on the outside as I feel on the inside on my best days. I want to know for sure that what ever I'm doing to fill my days, is something I'm proud of, if it happens to be my last.

I struggle with these things every day. Not just when I don't feel good or things aren't going my way. There's a yearning inside me to break free, to run away and start again. I know this feeling because it is second nature to me, I'm good at that. But this time I want to keep my feet planted and make these changes I feel need to be made. I want to become the person I know I need to be without running away. That's the part I'm struggling with. How do you change, when nothing around you changes? How does the flower bloom while the trees die? I've never been able to do this and I want to now. I know if I can change the things I'm striving for, then maybe, just maybe, the changes that I want to change around me will follow.