Crossroads...

I'm contemplating tonight whether or not I've made the best decisions for myself in the recent past. Not so much a "what-if" as a "mm...not so sure it was the right choice". I've let my religious beliefs fall to the wayside lately and given myself all sorts of excuses in doing so. My mind and heart know that the Word is something I crave...yet I don't feed the starvation. I will fed my Facebook craving and my eBay obsession, but not my longing to be loved unconditionally. I can say, on the outside looking in, that I probably don't feel worthy of that. That most likely is the truth. I don't feel loved in real life...how am I supposed to feel loved in my spiritual life? Or is that the point..to feel only God's love and know that it's enough? I know logically through teaching, the latter is the correct answer. Yet I'm still longing. Longing to be ecstatic again, longing to have that "glow" about me. I thought it was from being thinner, being free of dead weights holding me down. Now I'm not so sure. I crave closeness and uncontrollable laughter. I miss it. I miss someone boding for my affection and attention. I miss companionship. That's not to say I'm without companions. I'm surrounded by a sea of people, yet still alone. I feel I've become complacent. My cries for help have gone unanswered. I have learned to speak up. I've done so...but it falls on deaf ears. You know how you can hear someone talking to you...even if they are right in front of you...but you don't know what they said because you were concentrating on something else? That's what has happened. They knew I was talking, knew I was saying something...but never really HEARD what I said.

That is why I'm wondering, looking back on my options that I had laid out before me, wondering did I take the correct pathway. Was that sign pointing to the left or right? Did I misunderstand what the crossing sign read? I'm not sure anymore. I know that I need a home church and that I feel lost and unwelcome. I know I have a plan for that, once I move...but I hope that it's not too late. I know I chose the harder of the two paths..heck I probably chose the only path that DID have rocky times in store, but I never felt it wasn't the right one until now. The other road has been closed for construction and the detour I put myself on has taken me so far away from that crossroad...I wouldn't know how to get back with a map and compass.

I know there is yet another crossroad just ahead and I'm praying with everything I have that I choose the right pathway this time. Because I'm tired of wandering down the wrong ones. And I know better now...I have a choice and I will make it.