Which way to go??

Today I spent hours at the Health Department and if you've ever been there you know it's no fun. Trying to get a little help raising two little ones and coming out empty handed is no fun either. We're not looking for hand outs just a hand up and these days I know everyone could use the help. Evidentally, if you make a paycheck...one that requires you to actually be there more than 3 hours a day, the state thinks this is more than enough to raise children on and be alright. I was actually told that maybe I shouldn't work! Now isn't that hilarious coming from the same people who preach that everyone should find work to support themselves. It's a crazy thing. Work and barely be able to afford the food or don't work and get free food but not be able to pay for the electricity. MMMMM...let me see..I don't think so. I so want to be a stay at home mom...or maybe a part-timer, but when you lay down that paycheck and realize that you won't have it anymore...it's hard to say that could be the right choice to make. I want to teach one day and it'd be nice to be able to finish my degree in the next couple of years and then go to teaching and we'd back and above where we are now...but it's making those sacrifices from now til then that's causing the conflict.

Oh what to do, what to do...for now though until we can agree..I'll keep pluggin away at the job that the state says pays way more than enough and see what happens.

September

Well, school has started for 4 of us in the house this month! Calen is in Pre-K, Ben in 2nd, Gage in 7th and myself finally beginning 4-year school!! These first few weeks have been crazy. Figuring out bus schedules, routines, how much lunch costs!! Everything! The boys are doing good, all of them have made good friends very quickly..Gage even has a Girlfriend already!! The house is coming along...slowly but surely. I can't believe it's already September though! Ben and Gage's Birthdays are on the 12th...Ben will be 8 and Gage will be 13!! Our kiddos are growing up WAY too fast for either one of us. Calen has learned how to right his name with a pencil and is learning how to spell things already! I'm just glad that things are becoming "normal" again and settling down. We are all getting into our routines and enjoying each other....Hope everyone else is doing great and having a great school year so far!

Crossroads...

I'm contemplating tonight whether or not I've made the best decisions for myself in the recent past. Not so much a "what-if" as a "mm...not so sure it was the right choice". I've let my religious beliefs fall to the wayside lately and given myself all sorts of excuses in doing so. My mind and heart know that the Word is something I crave...yet I don't feed the starvation. I will fed my Facebook craving and my eBay obsession, but not my longing to be loved unconditionally. I can say, on the outside looking in, that I probably don't feel worthy of that. That most likely is the truth. I don't feel loved in real life...how am I supposed to feel loved in my spiritual life? Or is that the point..to feel only God's love and know that it's enough? I know logically through teaching, the latter is the correct answer. Yet I'm still longing. Longing to be ecstatic again, longing to have that "glow" about me. I thought it was from being thinner, being free of dead weights holding me down. Now I'm not so sure. I crave closeness and uncontrollable laughter. I miss it. I miss someone boding for my affection and attention. I miss companionship. That's not to say I'm without companions. I'm surrounded by a sea of people, yet still alone. I feel I've become complacent. My cries for help have gone unanswered. I have learned to speak up. I've done so...but it falls on deaf ears. You know how you can hear someone talking to you...even if they are right in front of you...but you don't know what they said because you were concentrating on something else? That's what has happened. They knew I was talking, knew I was saying something...but never really HEARD what I said.

That is why I'm wondering, looking back on my options that I had laid out before me, wondering did I take the correct pathway. Was that sign pointing to the left or right? Did I misunderstand what the crossing sign read? I'm not sure anymore. I know that I need a home church and that I feel lost and unwelcome. I know I have a plan for that, once I move...but I hope that it's not too late. I know I chose the harder of the two paths..heck I probably chose the only path that DID have rocky times in store, but I never felt it wasn't the right one until now. The other road has been closed for construction and the detour I put myself on has taken me so far away from that crossroad...I wouldn't know how to get back with a map and compass.

I know there is yet another crossroad just ahead and I'm praying with everything I have that I choose the right pathway this time. Because I'm tired of wandering down the wrong ones. And I know better now...I have a choice and I will make it.

Crazy Crazy Crazy AND it's almost August!??

Things have been a whirlwind around here in this tiny 2 bedroom apartment as of late. I've just looked at the calendar and can't even grasp the fact that August is merely a week away! Where has the time gone? Our "house buying" expedition has sent us on a long treasure hunt of paperwork, but we are finally closing in on the grand prize...our own home. We can see the end around the bend....but it has taken us 3 and a half LONG...VERY LONG months to get there. I'm so proud of TJ and how he's handled things with the "house people" as we refer to them. He's not rude or disrespectful, but stern and holds his ground. That makes me love him even more. Mind you...we are still learning our own little things about one another, so we still have our "young love" with us. It makes me feel so much more secure to know that he is a man that will stand up and take care of things when need be. That says a lot for his character. The boys are SUPER excited about school this year. A new place...they are the Panthers..Blue and Black. Most of the lower grade schools are some type of cat...The cubs, the Bobcats...etc. So they are getting psyched up for the new faces they'll see and the new schools they are all going too. Ben is excited to get a chance to ride his bike to school and Gage said he's just ready to make some new friends. I've just realized recently how blessed I really am with the kids that I have. Calen is fearless and outgoing, loves his big brothers...and almost Step brother Gage. Ben is inquisitive, smart and goofy..but tries to be SO grown-up. and Gage is the best role model I could ask for. He's amazingly imaginative and respectful...but he goofs around with me and lets me pick on him without beating ME up too much...he's strong for a 12 year old!! Must be in the genes for him! :) I just know that when times got a little tense around here because we are all living in such tight spaces...all 3 of those boys stepped up and did what it took to make it work. And that's a lot for kids. Not to mention our merging families. I'm so proud of my boys!

Well...the move-out cleaning duties call and so do some boxes awaiting the packing tape! Y'all have a great rest of July...don't miss it...it's gone in 7 more days!

July 4th and other happenings...

Well, I'm a little late but I've posted some July 4th pics. We had TJ's best friend and his family with us; Shaggy, Tina, X-man, Lunchbox and Goose. We went to Uncle Bruce and Aunt Patty's house for the LONG weekend. They are in South Texas..not too far South, but South for us D/FW folks. It's affectionately called The Ranch since it's 45 acres for the kids to get lost on. I was so nervous to let my boys out of my site, but by the 2nd day, I was all for them going out to explore! They set possum traps, feed the chickens...squirted the chickens with the water hose and then collected their eggs for breakfast! They learned the basics of gun safety and got to hold BB guns while the bigger kids "hunted" snakes in the fish pond. They ran around the fields during the day and played Volleyball at night. The "big" kids(us) went to buy fireworks Friday night and spent all our allowance! The Big Boys shot off an hour or so worth of Fireworks on Saturday evening and the rest of the crew watched in awe. I finally got a digital camera..so I got some alright shots. Ben lost a tooth on Saturday night...so the ToothFairy came and paid him a visit. Sunday morning after being up all night on the porch chit-chatting we had a big ol country breakfast complete with fresh Ribeye steaks, farmfresh eggs, real Milk[from the store :)], and some fresh bacon and sausage. It was some of the best food I've eaten in a long time! So fat and happy...still tasting the drinks from the night before, we gave out our hugs, loaded up the truck and headed home...TJ drove while me and the boys slept! I loved that part!

The drive out there..five minutes down the road and Calen is already passed out!

Lunchbox enjoying the ride out to the Ranch while not having to sit next to her baby brother X-man!

Ben and X-man enjoying the ride to the Ranch while not having to sit next to A-a little brother, & B-a big sister! :) Oh, the joy of "Swapping Kids"!

Everybody DUCK!

Pey-Pey...she looks sweet...but she's Country!

Ben, Calen, and Lunchbox checking out each others guns

Sean-Tj's little bro

Nook-TJ's other "younger-not really-little" bro

Cousin Tanya

Shaggy

TJ-my baby...

Tina

Deacon



Calen's Parachute Guy

Cole and Pey-Pey's shoe...Mama said get shoes on...next which ones!

X-man and his fireworks

Shaggy lighting them for us

TJ helping Calen light his

Fireworks Time--the good ones I got

Everybody...well except us girls and the some kids

This past weekend Shaggy, Tina and their kids came up down to visit again...cause they missed us SOOOO much! LOL! And we all went to Hurricane Harbor. Just an FYI..I'm mostly Irish and therefore, the sun and my skin have a tendency to disagree...ALL OF THE TIME! I had an ally this time though, because Shaggy also seems to fall into this category with me, so we had no shame in bustin' out the Kids SPF 60 and spraying ourselves down like a Call Girl on a Hot Saturday night! Well, through all my efforts and the stock in CooperTone, I should've purchased,

an hour and a half into the day, I was as red as a lobster! Shaggy fared better than I, getting away with a bit of pink on his feet... Calen was just tall enough to ride all the rides...he braved the Black Hole and the Sea Wolf with now problem, however the drop down slide from a MILLION feet up...by himself posed a problem when he realized he had to "race bubba" by himself. Tears ensued and I ended up carrying him away..screaming all the way down the winding steps...probably striking terror in the other little braves souls waiting their fate in the long line! Other than that, the boys and girls all had a great time. I ended up with a "lack of sleep" headache and sleep the last hour with my head on a picnic table in the shade. But Tina and Shaggy got to see the "grouchy" side and still weren't afraid to come back for another night. Tina and I went shopping at the Half-Price Books Store...one of my new faves and the boys BS'd all night long. Sadly, they headed home on Sunday and Ben spent an hour trying to convince me it'd be alright if I just let him spend the week at their house...in Texarkana...after helping him realize how far that really is...he decided we should take a vacation there and visit the "hood" as Shaggy affectionately calls it. I really enjoyed the company...the girl talk...and the laughter, so I'm looking for to a Halloween when they'll be down again for our rendezvous at Screams and hopefully my 1st Annual Halloween party YAY!

The boys latest masterpieces

The boys stayed up late drawing pictures the other night and asked me to post them here for all to see.

Ben's is our new house with his new Tony Hawk skateboard that he wants for his birthday and his skate ramp.

The other is Calen's...um....It kinda looked like a psychadelic spider, but he said it was his playground!!

I guess it's all in the eye of the beholder!

~Enjoy!

Exciting Stuff

Well, 4th of July is quickly approaching and I'm not sure where the summer has gone, but I definitely know it is here! Our temperatures reached over 101 this past week and I had sympathy for my old co-workers at The Plant Shed, in the greenhouse sweating this butts off. I'm fortunate enough to have gotten a new job just a few weeks ago, though I'm still outside driving around, I'm lucky enough to do my work inside now, instead of outside.

The kiddos and the BF are going SouthEast for the 4th this time. Usually I would spend it with my lifetime friend Jess and her family, but since me and the BF are trying out this "family" thing together, we are going to his family's place this Holiday. I heard it's fun with Fireworks, swimming, lots of running around and dodging crazy kids with sparklers and such. So I'm looking forward to it. I really love his family. The are down to earth, fun-loving people that just want the best for whoever they care about. After meeting me for the first time, they called me family the next day. Big Hearts Everywhere out there! Ben and Calen (my boys) love it out there. Going to Uncle Bruce's House has been all the talk around here this past week. Maybe it's because the kiddos get spoiled rotten with toys and treats. Who knows with them though, it could be the chicken chasing or getting to hang around outside with the grown ups. But I'm just as excited as them. It'll be the first time since Memorial Day that I've gotten to hang out with my family and not have to worry about getting up to work in the morning.

I missed Miss Charity's graduation because I had to work at the old job and everyone went out there and had a great time. We are so proud of her for graduating and I even got to see her play some kickA## softball earlier this year when her team came into town. So, I was sad when I couldn't make it to see her walk across the stage in her hometown. But I'm excited too, because I get to hang out with the ladies of the cousins and Aunt Patty.

The BF, TJ has his lifetime friend Shaggy coming down for a visit too, the week after the 4th. We are going to Six Flags and Hurricane Harbor and probably going to spend some late nights out just us "Big Kids" having some drinks. They are bringing their kiddos too, and my boys haven't meet them before so they are excited to make some new friends.

Lastly...we have a big move to our new house coming up in a couple of weeks--Fingers crossed--and all of us are so Psyched about it. I'm psyched because I'll have tons of room for my garden ideas that have been growing in my head. Ben and Calen are excited to have their own room and a Play set in the backyard. Gage(BF's son) is excited to have his own room and a 1/2 acre to play football on with the new friends he's going to make. TJ is excited to be a new homeowner and have such a great house out in the outskirts of the city, but still be close enough to go see a movie at the theater if he wants.

We have other stuff going on too, like my boys coming to live with us full-time and Gage too. We will have a full house, but it's something we've both wanted for a while now, so it's great times ahead. Ben and Calen, love the idea of their "responsibilities" and their own "free time" their have set aside to do whatever they'd like. Ben's is to play games on "his" computer and Calen's is too have me play Xbox football or color with him. Gage, being older (almost 13) realizes those "responsiblities" are just plain ole chores and while he's not as excited about that part, he's lovin the allowance $$ and he really loves and looks up to his Dad, big time, so that's what he's really excited about the most.

I'm really exhausted just thinking of it all, but so excited that all these things are coming together. All of our lives were empty without each other in them, we just didn't realize it. Now that we are all together, I see all the little things I love about our make-shift family. Ben loves Gage's attention and Calen looks up to Ben and Gage. I love seeing my boys open their arms to a new "big brother" and Gage take Ben and Calen on as his little proteges. TJ has gracefully stepped in at times and given the boys the stability they need...with the love they deserve. So far, I have to say this is one of my favorite parts of my fairytale. So what if my Prince Charming is a 30 something biker boy with a shaved head and grease under his fingernails...just means he's not afraid to get a little dirty! ;)

The daily Summertime routine

Whew! It is hot outside and it's really not even into the really high 90's yet. I work outside right now and it is hot!! But the rain is supposed to be coming and I'm really looking forward to it.

The boys are in from their dad's house now and the BF has his son here too. It's a full house right now. I'm feeling highly out-numbered these days. However, it is quite humbling to have those 3 here to look after. Feelin' like a real mom again. I could do without all the daily chores of laundry, cooking and cleaning, but I suppose it comes with the territory.

The older boys have been staying up super late...like 1 or 2 in the morning while the younger one is struggling to keep up and makes until about 10 (if he's had a nap). That just means they are all grouchy in the morning hours. Oh, how I miss those days. Sleeping in till 12 and eating cold pizza and watching the local channels daytime movie (before everyone could afford cable). Heck even in high school watching Jerry Springer...that was a long time ago. I'm glad the kids are at the age where they are making their summertime memories. Although, I do feel a little parental pressure to do my best to make some fun times for them.

We will be going to the ever popular Six Flags and Hurricane Harbor and hopefully squeeze in Dinosaur Valley just before school starts. But before all that we'll hang out by the pool, play Rock Band, and watch scary movies and eat lots and lots of buttery popcorn on the living room floor.

I'm so glad summer is here. For my boys so they can have their break from the pressures of formal education, but more for me. Making Kool-aid ice cubes and teaching them how to swim...it's really one of my favorite times to build memories with my kiddos.

My first time...

Well, I've joined the blogging world now. I feel all official. Where to start??

Who Am I?

I've been told in many different situations "You don't look like you've ________." Fill in the blank. I have been a Straight A student, a Goth girl, a County girl, and a City girl...depending on the day of the week. I'm indecisive to say the least and a big-time dreamer to say the best. I've had jobs like taking surveys in the malls...you know those people you used to run from when you were trying to shop. I've sold you the tickets to your favorite concert at Ticketmaster. I've helped you find that perfect outfit in Hot Topic and fit you for the perfect running shoes in Oshmans. I've handed out the bags of food at the Food Bank. I've washed your car at the fundraiser. I've been the one with my head down at church on Wednesday, and my hands up high with praise on Sunday. I'm the girl standing on the corner waiting for the bus; I'm the girl in the fast car next to you at the light. I've been to prison. I've tutored your children. I've baked the office brownies and dressed to impress. I've lived on ramen noodles and cheese sandwiches; I've dined at the Five Star restaurants. I've made big money, little money and no money. I've hurt people I love, disappointed them all, and amazed them all.

I'm not sure I can really define Who I Am, What I Am. I can say that I love my boys with all I have. I've made some of the worst decisions a person can make, but I've learned some of the best lessons some never learn. I know that money CANNOT buy you anything worth living for. I know that honesty is the ONLY policy. I know that girls can fart just as much as boys and boys can cry just as much as girls. I know that there will never be an obstacle too big to overcome with a prayer and faith. I also know that while my life will never be that Fairytale I've always dreamed of; it is in fact my very own Disenchanting Fairytale that continues to show me the truths in my life in the most unpredictable, unconventional, irrefutable ways. And THAT is all I've ever dreamed of.