Speaking of Pass or Fail

Well, I'm officially a College Graduate! I didn't think I was really going to pull of this last semester. I've been working 40 hours in the office, taking 12 hours online and 4 hours hybrid(on campus and online). I thought I would die before I finished these classes. I had two math classes, Business English, and World Religions. The latter were the easier ones, but the math kicked my butt.

I scrapped by in both math classes and now I can breathe. I did actually fail my final in one class, but had a high enough overall average to carry me through.

Now don't get too excited for me though, it's only an Associates degree! And it's only taken me a complied 13 years to do it! That fact, in itself, makes me laugh! It took me 13 YEARS to complete a 2-year degree! I am so sick of school!

So now, it's over. No more homework every night of the week while refereeing two boys, no more Midnight laundry sessions after taking an exam online for an hour. I'm not going to know what to do with myself!

oh, oh, I know...NOTHING, that's what I'm going to do! A lot of that, and sleeping! LMAO!

Failing as a Mom...

There are times when I feel I've failed as a Mom. Today is one of those times.

My youngest CR will not be going on to the 1st grade next year. :(

During our parent-teacher conference I heard the teacher say things like, "maturity level", "discipline", and "structure". All things I believe my son possess. So I felt like I haven't done my job. I didn't spend enough time on his homework, or enough time reading to him. I didn't explain to him enough about how to sit and concentrate on his schoolwork.

So I sulked all the way home and then had to find a way to break it to him. As I told him that he wasn't going to the 1st grade, I saw the hurt, fear, and confusion set in on him. Poor little man. He began to cry and say he would do more homework, but he "didn't want to".

We all talked as a family, and made the decision to work with him more diligently over the next few months, so that maybe he could be ready to re-test for 1st by the time fall comes around. We are instituting an hour of homework time from now until September everyday day. We, all 4 of us, will work with him to help him find the best way for him to learn.

I know that this is his battle, but I still can't help but feel like I didn't do my job as a Mom.

When ghosts appear...or message you at least!

So, today I was visited by a ghost from the past. This is one of those people that I thought could change everything for me. Someone that, if I had that second chance, I would be with in a second; never looking back. This persons name would make my heart skip. He could melt the ice in my soul and break down walls no one had been able to break since himself.

Then, today, after years of wanting to see his face, his name, anything; after giving up and moving on, I get a facebook message. My heart leaped right out of my chest, and then it sank. Did I really want to talk to him? There's a delicate balance between wondering what could have been and what will never be....sometimes it is better to wonder.

But I can't just wonder. So I email him back and we chat for a while. I tell him of this life I have now.

I tell him how wonderful things are, the man I'm with, the kids I have, things you tell someone you haven't seen in a long time. Between the emails, I'm evaluating what I have...what I really have at home. This is the man I would give up this life for...once upon a time. I continued on in emails about my great relationship, the house, my boys, the job. Then, I felt empty inside.

I'd waited for so long for him to come back into my life, dreamed up how it would be. I lost that hope with every email. I realized I wouldn't give up my life for him here. Not that he even came close to asking, nothing of the sort. But in my fairytale he had so this was me thinking of it. I began to remember those nights he had made me cry, feeling lonely while he went out with other girls. I realized that those things don't change much in a person. I realized I had made what we had or could have so much grander in my memories.

I went on with my day not telling a soul, until now. I was proud of myself for realizing all of this. For telling him how wonderful my life was now.

Then I came home. I realized then that I wasn't as adored as I portrayed myself to be. I wanted to say what had happened today, but didn't. I realized that I'm making what I have here into more than what it really is too.

Alas, it was good to feel wanted today, to feel as if anything was possible. There are only two people in my life that I "what-ifs" about, now there is only one. The other, well, that's not really a what-if anymore, more of a "nevermind". Some things are better left as they are.